No, it's not swine flu, it's something much more serious. I have Pink Hat.
I've been fortunate enough to go to a lot of Red Sox games in my life, and since '04 you can see more and more Pink Hats showing up at the Fenway. And let's get it straight, Pink Hats aren't just 15-30 year old women who show up and say, "Look it's Big Poppy." It's also those friggin' jerks sitting behind home plate waving to the center field camera all game.
I thought it would be done there, but then, pains me to say my own girlfriend has a pink Tom Brady jersey. Take it from me, there is nothing sexy about that. Of course the next step was pink Celtics' apparel. Sure enough, I saw some when at the Championship parade in late June.
So with all this built up hate, how is it that I've become a pink hat? Well, now I root for the Bruins. I saw the symptoms coming. I said that as soon as the playoffs started, I would jump on the black and gold bandwagon. I can't name 5 guys on the team, and to be honest I don't even understand some of the newer rules that came after the NHL Lockout.
But to be truthful, I don't really consider myself a Pink Hat. The thing is I just love Boston. I'm going to root for the Bruins, Cannons, and the Lobsters. Hell, if someone on American Idol was from Boston, I'd start watching and cheer for them. And I think that separates me from Pink Hats.
So since the line maybe be somewhat unclear about what the difference is, I'll go Kenny Powers on you, and drop some knowledge on you beautiful bitches. This way you'll know if you're a Pink Hat or not.
1. You wear any type of pink at your teams home game, and don't know the three best players on the team.
2. Your favorite player is the most attractive guy on the team for that reason alone.
3. You text (not reply) and make (not answer) phone calls at sporting events that have nothing to do with a great play that just happened.
4.You ask more then 3 times what just happened because you have no idea what is going on.
5. For Red Sox fans only: You're favorite part of the game is Sweet Caroline in the 8th.
With the exception of number 4 (and that would be a stretch), I think I fall short of the Pink Hat criteria. So I'll watch the Bruins over the next few weeks, hoping that they can win a Stanley Cup. But you won't see me at the parade if they do, because I didn't watch one full regular season game of B's.
From here on out, I'm going to treat the Bruins playoff run like I treat Lady Gaga's music: I'm not proud of what I'm doing, but it's not going to stop me. I might even fist pump.