Tuesday, January 14, 2014

"I Found Jennifer Lawrence's Cell Phone In A Cab" Has to be false

Thought Catalog - I scroll through more pictures. I wasn’t looking for it, but there’s nothing racy. (I was looking for it.) There are a few more selfies taken from a bed. Another of her bowling with a pink bowling ball. Also, the meme picture of Jennifer Lawrence from the Oscars: “Climbs trees. Can’t climb stairs.”
I’m pretty sure this is Jennifer Lawrence’s phone. If it’s not, whoever’s phone it is should be arrested for stalking her.
First of all, I call 1 million percent bull shit on this guy’s story. He’s a loser, probably aspiring internet celebrity (like me). How do you best get internet hits? Write fictional story with the biggest actress on the planet right now! And we all love J-Law because she seems just like us right? I know what I’ll do! I’ll make the story about how she lost her phone in a NYC! Oh Katniss!
Anyway, SPOILER ALERT, the dude finds Lawrence’s phone and her friend says he can meet her since he isn't “a big monster weirdo”. Well maybe you weren’t before. But now that you made up your fantasy about how randomly met her on a Saturday night playing Wii games and eating cookie dough, congrats bro, you are the biggest monster weirdo. Do yourself a favor, and keep your weird celebrity fantasy encounters to yourself. Like the rest of us.

Prince 1999, is a sweet song though.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Kill Bill?

The Patriots should've won that game. They out gained the Colts by 70 yards. They controlled the ball for 10 minutes longer than the Colts. They forced Manning and his vaunted offense to punt six times in the first half, and lead by 17 with 14 minutes left in the game. What do they have to show for it? A one point loss that everyone is talking about.

There are plenty of people who will say this is just a regular season loss, so it doesn't mean that much. But like Ron Burgundy, it's kind of a big deal. The way the last two minutes panned out makes this game a huge deal. I don't have a problem with the 4th and 2 call that cost the Patriots the game. It's the mismanagement of the team on the infamous drive that aggravates me.

Many sports pundits have an issue with Bellicheck going for it on 4th and 2. Believe it or not, the math slightly supports Belichick decision. More importantly, the Patriots had a 75% success rate against the Colts on 4th downs since 2000, including 4-4 in the playoffs. The numbers were there, including the most overlooked number: 12. If the game is weighing in the balance, I want it in Tom Brady's hands every time.

The problem with the decision lies in the execution. Before even taking a snap, the Patriots called a timeout, leaving them one left. Call me crazy, but you just spent the last few minutes on the sideline. After the Colts scored there was even a TV timeout, so the Pats had plenty of time to decide what play to run on first down. Nonetheless, they retreated back to the sideline to get the play.
Next, might be the most frustrating as a Patriots fan. After a failed 3rd and 2, members of the offense started running off the field, and the punt team came running on. According to Belicheck , the Patriots coaching staff made the decision before third down that if they didn't convert, they would go for it on 4th down. Which brings up two questions:

1. Why not run the ball on 3rd, and make the Colts use their last timeout? You might be a yard closer and if you convert, you can run almost all of the clock out.

2. Why was punt team coming onto the field? The faux paux cost the Patriots another time out, one that might have changed the spot of the ball on the 4th and 2 play.

Maybe if you're a fan of the Lions, Browns, or Redskins, you've become accustomed to blunders like this. But as a Patriot fan during this decade, you just don't expect to see this from the guy in the hoodie. This season I've noticed Bellicheck has wasted timeouts more than usual, but it didn't hurt the team. Here it certainly did.
From bringing in Corey Dillion, to an intentional safety in Denver, every controversial decision has seemed to work for Belicheck. Patriots fans utter, "In Bill We Trust," because his on the field and off the feild moves have been flawless. The decision against the Colts has changed all that. Now people either think Belichick is a progressive genius who was playing the numbers, or a pompous jerk whose big ego is killing his team. For me, it's wasted timeouts and lack of communication that has shown Bill Belichick is fallible.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

True Yankee

In the very poignant film "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy," one of the final scene pits Anchorman Ron Burgundy in a bear pit, and a rival anchor Wes Mantooth (played by Vince Vaughn) holding the ladder to let Burgundy out. With the opportunity to crush his opponent, Mantooth says one of the great quotes in movie history:

"Burgundy, I hate your guts...But goddammit, I respect you."

Now this quote didn't lead to an Academy Award, but it typifies my feelings on Derek Jeter. I know, there are Red Sox diehards out there who will scream traitor, but that's ridiculous. I'm not saying I want to get in Jeter's jock. I'm just saying you have to give credit where credit is due.

Look at how the guy started his career: Rookie of the Year in 1996. World Series Championships in '96, '98, '99, and in 2000, where he became the only player to win the All Star and World Series MVP in the same season. Now, he has what might be his most amazing accolade to date: He has the most hits in Yankees history with 2,723 hits, and counting.

Just take a second to take that all in. Berra.Mantle. DiMaggio. Ruth. Gehrig. With that hard grounder down the first base line in the Bronx Friday night, he not only cemented his legacy as an all time great Yankee. He put himself in the argument as the greatest Yankee of all time.

But the real reason I respect Jeter so much is the fact that you don't get any BS with him. In sports these days sometimes it seems like you're watching soap opera or reality show. The Brett Favre saga over the past 2 seasons, Big Papi testing positive for PEDs, and well, just the TO Show seem to overshadow what what happens on the playing field.

Look in his own clubhouse. A-rod spends more time in US weekly and Star now than he does in Sports Illustrated because he "dates" high profile celebrities. It must be New York right? Well then how does Jeter have previous ties to Mariah Carey, Scarlett Johansson, and a former Miss Universe, and not half the scandal? It's in the way he carries himself.

And that goes for his demeanor on the field and in the locker room. Look, I love Jonathan Papelbon. In my opinion, his stat line for the 2007 postseason should have earned him MVP of the World Series. But Pap falls into the "love 'em if you got 'em, hate 'em if you don't" category. After a big out, hes going to celebrate like crazy. He's going to talk trash to opposing teams because he has no filter. Jeter, on the other hand, just goes about his business. Forget John Sterling and his "THeeeeeeee Yankees win!" after Bombers victory. Just look to the Yankees short stop and if his right fist is pumping, ball game.

It's funny to me that Jeter would pass Lou Gehrig on the night Michael Jordan was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame. Unlike most 90's kids, I grew up hating Michael Jordan. He won too much, hit all the big shots, and I despised that. I actually remember going to bed fuming the night he hit his last game winner in a Bulls' uniform. I didn't appreciate the greatness I witnessed. Fast forward 10 years, I know the Yankees have one of the greatest of all time in their dugout. I won't ever cheer for him, but goddammit, I'll respect him.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Bromances and Baseball

I realize this is a few days late, now that the trade deadline has come and gone, but there is a storyline that wasn't covered too much. Most stories deal with usually the winners and losers, and what big star went from the basement of their division to the penthouse for a playoff run. In later years, we find out guys like Scott Kazmir or Jeff Bagwell are "the prospects to be named later," that get traded. But on Friday when the Red Sox traded for Victor Martinez, it changed the dynamic of two MLB clubhouses.

To get the All-Star slugger, the Red Sox had to give up 3 players, including the guy who's been solid in the Boston bullpen the last two years, Justin Masterson. Normally here I would complain as to why we traded Masterson instead of sure fire Hall of Famer Clay Buchholz, but the personal affect it has on the players. During an interview right after being traded you could tell Masterson was shell shocked.

Normally guys say after being traded, "Hey, this is a business, and I can't wait to start the new part of my career in (insert city name here)." While Masterson did have a touch of this in his comments after being traded, he also talked about how he would miss his teammates. After all, many of these guys have come upt through the Red Sox system. With at least one teammate, the feeling was mutual.

"It kind of stinks a little bit," Sox reliever Manny Delcarman told Monique Walker of the Boston Globe before the game on Friday. And take a look at this comment straight from the article:

“He gets along with everybody,’’ said Delcarmen, as his voice cracked. “He would give me a hug, and I would feel good about myself.’’

Sounds like it's getting hot and heavy in the Sox Bullpen. I haven't seen this much man love since Iceman and Maverick.

The scene was the same for new Red Sox
catcher/DH/1st baseman/hot dog guy Victor Martinez. Reports say that Martinez was crying at his locker when he heard about the news about moving to a new team. According to most reports, Martinez was a great clubhouse guy, so he must've been well liked too. You'd think moving to a contender would be all V-Mart needed to get over leaving his team, but he did have 8 long years playing for the tribe. Could be all the new handshakes he has to learn that had him sobbing too.

In all seriousness, I appreciate seeing the human side of pro athletes. Too often, all men feel that the true test of masculinity is not feeling emotion, especially in sports. But the reality is we do have feelings, and it sucks losing people we care about. I still don't believe that I won't see the guys I've lived with the last four years on a day-to-day basis come September. Sure we keep in touch with texting, twitter, and phone calls. But this doesn't compare to playing video games instead of going to class, eating cold pizza, and impromptu games of beer pong.

To some degree, I think it's the same thing in a Major League club house. These guys spend more than 150 games with eachother. In the bullpen, you spend most of the game in a cramped space trying to pass the time until you're called on to pitch. I can't speak from experience, but my guess is you get to know each other pretty well under circumstances like that.

So both Masterson and Martinez are already making impacts on their new teams. Masterson pitched three scoreless innings on Saturday, striking out four in an extra innings win for the Indians. Martinez played a big part in the Red Sox hit parade Sunday, where he went 5-6 with four RBIs in the win. These guys have proved that they can perform with their new teams. With 2 months in the regular season left, these guys will have plenty of time to make new friends and be happy in their new surroundings. It's all going to be fine. Ok, the end was really a pep talk for me getting on with my life, growing up, and getting over my bromances.

Monday, July 20, 2009


During the summer, Sunday nights can be some of the most depressing parts of the week. You've spent all weekend by the beach or pool side. Maybe you tried to get some stuff done around the house. There's even a good chance you're still nursing a hangover Sunday afternoon from a BBQ the day before.

But then the 6 o'clock hour rolls around and reality comes crashing in: A full work week in the morning. It doesn't matter if it's work at some fancy law firm, or a little pool store on route one, the fact is Sunday nights usually suck. But with the new HBO Sunday night lineup, it's actually something I look forward to on Sundays.HBO has set it up perfectly. Starting at 9 o'clock is an hour of sexy shape shifters, vicious vampires, and the Soldiers of the Sun on True Blood. To be honest, I've only seen two episodes so far, but this show is pretty out of control. It's from critically acclaimed director, producer, and writer Alan Ball, who also produced the HBO hit Six Feet Under. I'm not sure if it's because of the Twilight hoopla, but this show is being talked about everywhere. I judge this from my scientific research I did last night that said it was one of the top things tweeted about last night.

Personally I think the whole vampire thing is really stupid. But I will say that I like the social commentary on the relationship between the vampires and the Southern Christan humans. How about a shout out to the Bible Belt for their continued success of lowering America's overall IQ?

Next up would be Hung, a show about a guy trying to get his kids back after his house burns down. Heart warming right? Well to supplement his teaching and coaching salary, Ray Drecker plans to use his Tommy Lee sized pecker to please the ladies.

Here's where HBO played this lineup perfectly: I personally would wait for Entourage to put on HBO Sundays. But since my good friend and girlfriend enjoy eating pints of ice cream and watching True Blood (yes we've been triple dating the past 2 Sundays), it only makes sense to keep HBO on for Hung. And I'm glad we did. The series is only 3 episodes deep, but it's had some really hysterical scenes so far. Not to mention lead character Ray is played by Thomas Jane, a guy who made me like Mickey Mantle in 61*. I'm not saying this is the new big show from HBO, but it certainly works as a great filler from 10-10:30.

Last but not least, is Vinny Chase and his Entourage. Hard to believe that this show is already the longest running HBO Original Series with Sex and the City. Now Vince's career shitting the bed only worked for about an episode. Once Mark Wahlberg ended his lengthy conversation with a dog, donkey, and chicken, he too realized that E sucked too much and could not carry this show as the man. Or maybe that was just me. Either way, with more Meadow Soprano this season, and Lloyd rushing Ari's Firm, Entourage will have no problem leaving fans wanting more again at the end of this season.

This lineup is great, but I'm looking even more forward to the fall when 2 of my favorite HBO shows are coming back. Curb Your Enthusiasm will bring the Seinfeld cast together again, and promises to be more awkward than Michael Cera getting caught masturbating by his Mom. And what will happen with Kenny Powers now that he's not playing in Tampa and left April at the gas station on East Bound and Down? These questions and more will all be answered Sundays this fall. If McNulty and Bunk were coming back too, then I could die a happy man.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Anti-Manny

As has been the case for most of the decade, a Red Sox player started in left field for the American League All-Stars last night. But unlike years past, his play spoke for itself. It wasn't about the lame excuse he gave as to why he couldn't play in the game. Such are the differences between Manny Ramirez and Jason Bay.

I've said it a million times, but my relationship with Manny in the last year has been like a break up with a long time girlfriend. I could deal with his BS, like peeing in the wall and or high fiving fans while making a catch. When the Sox traded him at the deadline last year I was crushed. I said that day that there was no way we could win the World Series without him. I don't remember for sure, but I probably put on some Simple Plan and cried in my room for three hours too.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that we could get anything as good as Jason Bay back in return. To be honest, my AL East bias told me that Bay was a good player on a bad team. Like Julio Lugo and Edger Renteria before him, I thought he wouldn't be able to handle to the heat from Boston fans and the media.

I could not have been more wrong. Yes his average has dipped quite a bit over the last month, but he still is top ten in the AL in home runs, and leads the league in RBIs. He also scored the game winning run against the Angels in game 4 last year to send Boston to the ALCS. Maybe most importantly, he already has a big hit against the Yankees this season to his credit.

Perhaps even better than his play, is Bay's demeanor. With Manny, you always had to be be prepared that he was going to do something stupid on or off the field. Fans, the media, and even the Red Sox management chalked this up to Manny being Manny. Thankfully, there is none of this nonsense with Jason Bay. The guy just goes out and plays the game. Bay has been a very model citizen while playing in a Sox uniform this year. In fact, his biggest off the field story was the fact that he became an American citizen.

The only question that remains now with Jay Bay is how long he'll be taking the field at 4 Yawkey Way. He is making close to $8 million this year, and he will certainly cash in this off season. In a perfect world, something would get done before the end of this season, so I wouldn't have to suffer another coronary about the Red Sox left field spot. But with Johnny Damon coming up as a free agent this off season too, there's a chance Jason Bay could break my heart worse than Manny by heading to the Skankees, I mean Yankees.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Road Warriors

There are three basic reactions fans have when their team suffers a loss: The "Meh." It doesn't really phase you either way. The "heart breaker." I think that one speaks for itself. And finally, the "ARE YOU SHITTING ME?" where a play in the game can only be described as what Chaz Michael Michaels would call mind bottling.

The Red Sox game last night was somewhere in the middle of the last two. I couldn't believe the entire infield would forget how many outs there were in the sixth, and it was even harder to believe the best bullpen in baseball could blow a 9 run lead with 9 outs to go. Things have been so good for the Sox the the last 5 and a half seasons that I forgot what those losses were like.

Luckily, I was over it by this afternoon because the Red Sox rallied this time, and came back to win the game 6-5 in extras. The road has been tough for the Sox over the last two seasons. It cost them a trip to the World Series because Game 7 of the ALCS was played in St. Petersburg and not in Boston. But after this very successful road trip (6-3) the Red Sox seemed to have solved that problem.

Or maybe it's really because these games don't seem like true road games. Red Sox fans are flooding their opponents ball parks, getting rid of home field advantage. I swear, watching a Sox Nationals game last week I heard Big Papi hit a home run, and the crowd went wild like it landed on Landsdowne.

Now this road trip included the Orioles and Nationals. Baltimore and D.C. are both short trips for fans from Boston, and are cool cities that have stuff to do other than baseball. Like the Lincoln Memorial and Hamsterdam.

But the big crowd in Atlanta really surprised me. The Braves are a little down this year, but I still didn't expect to hear a very audible, "LET'S GO RED SOX," chant sparingly throughout the game. This isn't a series in the middle of the summer when you would expect lots of fans to make a trip down south; this is the weekend before July Fourth in a recession. At least Red Sox Nation is doing their part to stimulate the economy. You're welcome America.

The Sox don't play another road game until after the All-Star Break, and that series is another short road trip to Toronto. After that, the Red Sox never go further than Arlington Texas for a game. So if this road trip was any indication for the rest of the season, the Sox have as many true road games left as Michael Jackson London Tour dates (Too soon?).